Things that worth 'forever'

Spring is around the corner, while winter was still there. To live, to grow, and to die is a natural law. Human find it difficult to understand sometimes. 

Some phases in life, no matter how treasurable, do not always mean to last forever. I learn it hard way. 

I remember one afternoon in 2017, it was raining in Surabaya. I was in a car with my first kiss, we were holding hands. I was about to leave to another town, and I told him,

"You are my first kiss. I could not imagine us being strangers once I moved"

"Don't worry, we won't" he said

He was wrong. We were strangers now. The phase of him was over, a long time ago. Our routines of watching movies after we went home from work, motorcycling around the town at night, and singing the Beatles was over before I could hold it any longer. Even though he promised we would not. Not that I bought his words, though.

***

2021 probably was my favourite phase of life so far. I share much of my personal space with a person I love. Meals, dinner, iced coffee, toothpaste, stories. That moment I hoped what we had could last forever. I naively imagined us being 50 years older, holding hands to buy groceries because that is how I see forever.

One day in September, I remember lying in his arms with the thought, this could be the end. He was never mine anyway, my happiness in 2021 started by being the worst version of myself. I know it should end.

I also lose some friends for being the worst version of myself. I am aware, I ruined someone else's life. I deserve to be unfriended. No matter I want to keep them, I have no right to ask them to stay.

What ended in 2021 was not only friendship I dearly treasure, but also the thought of spending forever with people I love. I should accept it because it is only natural. It bloomed, it died. I guess I cannot keep everyone by my side forever. Things were beautiful yet ephemeral, it is only natural for them to vanish away. I let go. I am sorry.

I still wish to end up in his arms, but I don't know how to make things right. So I'll let the universe answer it, the way it made us inseparable like the last time.

***

Later in 2022, Alan called and told me his value of life, which is friendship. He thought at one point, his friends started to drift away, and he did not know whether he still should hold on to that value any longer. I friend this guy since I can't remember when to know well enough how he always put his friends first.

Just recently, Anto called. We talked for 2 hours on the phone when he said, "it's okay to lose friends, just don't lose the real one." Anto always acts stupid to make people laugh but will be the first person to give his hand when his friends need helps.

Apart from things I cannot keep, I knew I want to keep Alan and Anto as my friends for an awfully long time. Forever is an understatement.

***

At the end of the day, I only have myself to give me a pat on the shoulder for surviving, for continuing life despite making the wrong decision, for thriving to be a better person. The forever we have is only with ourselves, and it's okay to lose phases we thought would last forever.