Year-end reflection: 2021

 

2021 is the year my dream to study abroad has finally come true. After 5 years of trying, encountering countless rejections and plan diversion, damaged mental health, I finally spend new year's eve in Glasgow, halfway toward my Postgraduate degree. Is it that life-changing moment? Is it worth it? Am I too late? Have I gotten too old? Will I ever have kids?

Turns out that in whatever phase I am currently in, it's really hard to be satisfied with what I have achieved. I must admit I am probably in the scope of 2% of Indonesian women who receive higher education which is fully funded by the country, expected to make changes in the system I am currently in, and have a great prospect of career ahead. But deep down, I also wanna be a mom living a simple life. I wanna stir milk in the morning for my kids the way my mom did that to me when I was 8, sleepy, was not ready for school. I wanna have the picture of me smiling prettily holding a baby who I know will look like me. I know how much my dad has become a pain in the ass for my mom, but I still wanna experience marriage. I have been away from home since I was only 17, changing cities, towns, and even countries and I am tired of moving. I wanna find a forever home, somewhere or some people I can stay with for a very long time.

Let that be my wish for 2022.

Nevertheless, I am forever grateful for my 2021. Despite making horrendous mistakes, I am glad that I didn't quit pursuing my dreams. I wanna hug myself for surviving the year, it was not an easy one for sure. I wanna thank myself that I can survive the damn weird Scottish accent, I can make friends with people from different continents, and was able to walk outside for groceries even the weather was below the freezing point out there. Some people move to other countries and feel liberated, ended up wanting a new life in the new country. As for me, I want to go home in 2022. I am glad for my experience here, but this place doesn't feel like home. It feels like Glasgow only welcomes me as a temporary resident and I am okay with that.

In 2022, I also wish to graduate, hopefully with a good mark. I want to experience my UK life to the fullest as I still have 9 months left in this country. I wish I can return to the office without the feeling that I did not waste one good year for education only to face the same old problems. I wish I can be reunited with people I love. I wish for simple and joyful life ahead. I wish my family in Malang always be happy and healthy. I wish Jakarta accepts me back. And probably, my first property?

Thank you 2021. I cried the most this year but you have been thrilling. I am ready for 2022.